journal

something i’ve noticed while studying zoology is how difficult it is to talk about the evolution of organisms without anthropomorphizing them. you can’t talk anthropomorphize human evolution, either, which feels weird but you aren’t speaking in terms of the walking breathing creatures you are speaking in terms of genes and reproductive success and internalizing that makes it clearer.

eventually, there is some circular logic you come to terms with: organisms exist because they exist. organisms wouldn’t exist if they didn’t exist. organisms need to reproduce to continue to exist, organisms that don’t reproduce cease to exist. for a population to exist, most organisms in the population must have some kind of compulsion (“want” when you are anthropomorphising) to reproduce.

this makes people sad when they realize that humans aren’t free from this. they don’t exist and aren’t successful for any reason other than they have always wanted to fuck. i’m made acutely aware of this every time my future is called into question and someone wants to guilt trip me for considering that a shotgun is the good end: in order to exist they must have evolved to have a fear of death. similar when someone lies through their teeth that everyone can make it while dumping funnelfulls of inactionable nothings into my throat.


i’ve started learning how to draw pixel art which has been really fun. it’s exciting how quickly i’ve gone from being completely clueless to drawing usable assets after learning a little bit of theory. this is part of a pursuit towards making an RPG Maker game, something i’ve dreamed of for a very long time, but was lacking in inspiration for. these last couple months however i have been very attached to the idea of { GAME where you are a BALL JOINT DOLL and you have to collect INSECTS }.

something that has stopped me from ever trying to make a game before is the commitment. they are a huge timesink for something that you don’t even know will have been worth the effort or something you want to carry through to completion at all. i think historically i have always gotten filtered by knowing that after putting in a ton of effort, i’ll be left with a pile to discard. recently i had a realization, though, that i can compartmentalize everything i put effort into to be independent of eachother. if i finish this tileset and decide that i dont want to make { GAME where you are a BALL JOINT DOLL and you have to collect INSECTS } anymore, i can just use the tileset for something else, no loss. so i’m just going through and making neat maps in RPG Maker and not worrying about what i’m going to do with them.